Supporting someone you care about who experiences dissociation or a Dissociative Disorder, including Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) can feel confusing, upsetting or overwhelming, particularly when you or they are stressed.
You may observe different patterns including changes in their level of awareness, their memory, emotions, identity or sense of self. While these patterns can be confronting to watch, they are understandable responses to trauma.
They are not signs that the person is weak, manipulative or attention seeking. Staying calm, patient and present and showing the person that you are willing to learn about dissociation can make a real difference to their healing journey.
Understanding dissociation
Dissociation is a protective response to overwhelming stress or trauma; it helped the person cope when they didn’t feel safe. It involves a disconnection from thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, or sense of self.
Dissociation exists on a spectrum, from everyday experiences (such as daydreaming or “driving on autopilot”) to more intense and disruptive forms. You might notice that the person:
- Seems spaced out, numb, foggy, or disconnected
- Struggles to stay present or follow conversations at times
- Has gaps in their memory or is confused about time
- Becomes emotionally distant or suddenly overwhelmed
- Shows shifts in mood, behaviour, or their sense of identity
- Becomes very still, quiet, or unresponsive under stress.
With DID, people may have different internal parts (self-states) and these different parts (which are all parts of the one person) may be present themselves at different times. To those close to them, this can appear as shifts in mood, voice, posture, interests, or confidence. Some parts may seem younger, more vulnerable, or more protective. Occasionally, a part may identify with a different age or gender, and this can feel confusing.
These parts developed to protect the person and help them survive. Switches between parts can be subtle and hard to notice, rather than being the dramatic switches portrayed in film and media (although these can occur too). People with DID may describe ‘voices’ from these parts that feel internal, and this is different from the external voices people here when they are psychotic.
Feeling safer in the present can reduce the need for dissociation over time.
What helps in the moment when a person is dissociating
Stay calm and grounded
Speak slowly, use a steady tone, and stay physically grounded. You staying calm helps the person’s nervous system settle.
Be non-judgemental
A person cannot simply “snap out of” dissociation. Shame can make a person dissociate further so try not to be critical or judgemental. Being warm and patient is best.
Ask what helps. If they can communicate:
- “Is there anything that would help right now?”
- “Would you like me to stay, or give you some space?”
Different people have different needs, and these can change over time.
Use gentle grounding
If welcome, you might:
- Calmly help orient the person by naming the date, time, or location
- Invite the person to notice something neutral in the room
- Encourage slow breathing together.
Avoid touch unless you know it’s welcome.
Respect boundaries
Eye contact, closeness, or direct questions can feel overwhelming when a person is dissociating. Follow the person’s cues and don’t pressure them to explain themselves.
How you can help over time
If the person wants you involved, showing interest can support them to feel safer and less alone. You might:
- Learn about dissociation and aspects of their therapy process (with consent and at their pace)
- Stay curious and non-judgemental about their experiences
- Help them practise the grounding skills they find useful
- Learn about triggers and support the person to manage their triggers or reduce exposure to them
- Remember that different parts/self-states may need different responses at different times. As the person feels safer they may dissociate less and start to connect their internal experiences.
Do’s and Don’ts for supporters
Do:
- Be patient, kind, and consistent; trust and safety build slowly.
- Ask the person what they need in the moment (space, reassurance, quiet presence).
- Stay calm and compassionate when the person is triggered.
- Seek support for yourself if you feel stressed or overwhelmed.
Don’t:
- Expect the person to recover quickly
- Minimise or invalidate their feelings.
- Assume the person is fully present just because they look like their “adult self.”
- Push for explanations, insights when the person is dissociating.
“I can see how frightened you are right now. I’m here with you. You’re safe with me.”
Supporting someone with DID
Remember all parts are part of one whole person. Avoid arguing with or dismissing parts. Prioritise safety, respect, and consistency. Therapy aims to improve safety, cooperation, and wellbeing and not to “get rid of parts.
When dissociation is frequent or intense
If dissociation is frequent, highly distressing, or involves self-harm/suicidal risk, specialist trauma and dissociation-informed support may be helpful.
“I care about you and want you to have support that feels safe.” “We can look for help together when you’re ready.”
Crisis support
If the person is in crisis, needs immediate support or you are concerned for your safety please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Call 000 if the person’s life is in danger.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone with dissociation can be demanding. It’s okay to acknowledge your limits, take breaks, and get your own support. Caring for yourself helps you stay present and means you can sustain the support you’re offering.
Dissociation is a survival response, not a choice. Support isn’t about fixing or rescuing; it’s about providing a steady, respectful, compassionate presence, at the person’s pace.
